Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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