and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
