You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
