I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
