I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
