omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
