hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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