Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
