I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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