I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
