Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
