I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
