So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
