Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
