Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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