Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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