I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
worst night to have a conscience
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
