Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
