He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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