Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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