Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
