Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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