Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
