did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
