I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
