I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
