Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
