Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
