Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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