i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
