No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
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