I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
