My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
