I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
