I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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