you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
