how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
