how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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