You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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