how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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