can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
