How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
