This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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