You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
well you can't waste a boner
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
