you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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