How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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