Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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