My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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