I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
