He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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