Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
