He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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