Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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