Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
