I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
