two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do vagina's smell?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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