after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
