Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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